Author Topic: idgo forgot its grimoire at home and is using this instead  (Read 5861 times)

idgo

Local Maxima
« Reply #75 on: January 14, 2020, 05:09:16 am »
There's a comic about mountains that my brain filed for future reference, but it was stored with lossy compression long ago and re-encoded many times since then.

Maybe it's this one (https://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20130621.png). This (http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive/phd012312s.gif) might have gotten munged into it along the way. Or this (https://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/1508937349-20171025-fixed1.png)? This (http://matt.might.net/articles/phd-school-in-pictures/) is nearby, but not it. I think the first one comes closest to what I had recalled, though I entirely misplaced its plaintive tone. It was like a cross between the first and this (https://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20111228.gif), and had some witty quip that I've entirely misplaced due to being struck by the overarching theme of getting to what looked initially like the top in order to see what else is out there.

It's the algorithm of climbing the nearest local maximum in order to spot a better one. And I've been pacing around such a peak, and every time I pass a certain side I spot a behemoth of a next summit in the middle distance. And I've nigh-accidentally bumped into a trail that seems to be going the right way.

I'll likely need to step down into a certain amount of woo-woo bullshit before arising back out of it again. Some, even much, of the work might need to be done from some guises that look deeply incompatible with the relatively consistent-ish aspect of myself that I show here. In other words, I think I'm going to go do some things that are entirely explainable from this perspective, but to explain them while they're in progress would force me to touch them in fragile unformed places that stunt them -- you can slip an acupuncture needle into a child without doing any lasting damage, but to poke that same needle into the embryo would likely render it non-viable.

And there, I've answered my own question about Secrecy.

And a thing is just itself, regardless of what I name it, yet the naming somehow changes how it works for me or how I work with it -- and grabbing it by both aspects breaks both corners, even if it also spreads the load. A phenomenon or an observation is still itself, regardless of whether I name it as a portent or a pattern-match or nothing at all.

Perhaps I even might step far enough away to spot idiocies in my present systems that are invisible to me from here.

I, as I, am not really going anywhere -- Idgo is a lens, a filter, an aperture through which certain patterns of others' and my own take the opportunity to play with others'. Some of that filtering is pure common sense, insulation between the lightning of an electrical network and my squishy human body and the ground. Other filters are a lens of consistency; an insistence on only presenting a mutually exclusive viewpoint set if they're couched in safe packaging of excuses. The filters of consistency, placed out of habit, ultimately serve to build a certain credibility which reaps thought and answers in conversation and even a certain modicum of power to gently prod at others' beliefs and ideas.

It just feels like the ending of a book, right now. Have you ever read an excellent novel -- I find it happens particularly commonly in Stross -- where it feels like there's a satisfying conclusion to the story with all the loose ends that had been itching at you all sewn back in? And then you (or at least I) turn what I think was the last page, or feel the novel in my hands, and there's still a quarter inch or so of something else that the author ended up putting after the bits of the story that I wanted from it were finished. This feels like one of those endings, to me -- a local minimum of cliff-hanginess? (Certainly there are also the books, also often Stross, where the story feels truncated before its time when the pages run out... those are like an unexpected death).

I'll likely continue this here -- it's a nice place to write, and to argue, and to prod, and all -- but I just find it interesting to note that the arc-completion bit is happening in a way that's visible to me in its progress rather than only in retrospect, as arcs of my life and various accounts have been before. Can't tell if that's a lasting change or just a temporary one.

I think all that is just to say, it's an intentional set of experiments that are making me more likely than usual to sound particularly non-LHP, not that I've necessarily been all that LHP to begin with. I haven't necessarily ever been deeply into the handednesses, regarding both as mildly distasteful curatives against various brainwashings and dogmas. But LHP folks (at least those who stick with this particular forum) seem to more reliably display what I see as a certain capacity for independent thought, as it's generally prerequisite to joining a path that almost nobody is born into, so I appreciate the cameraderie as we all make our own strange attempts at getting where we think we want to be.

Hapu

Re: Local Maxima
« Reply #76 on: January 14, 2020, 10:28:19 am »
It just feels like the ending of a book, right now. Have you ever read an excellent novel -- I find it happens particularly commonly in Stross -- where it feels like there's a satisfying conclusion to the story with all the loose ends that had been itching at you all sewn back in? And then you (or at least I) turn what I think was the last page, or feel the novel in my hands, and there's still a quarter inch or so of something else that the author ended up putting after the bits of the story that I wanted from it were finished.

I wonder if old age might sometimes feel like that.


I think all that is just to say, it's an intentional set of experiments that are making me more likely than usual to sound particularly non-LHP, not that I've necessarily been all that LHP to begin with. I haven't necessarily ever been deeply into the handednesses, regarding both as mildly distasteful curatives against various brainwashings and dogmas. But LHP folks (at least those who stick with this particular forum) seem to more reliably display what I see as a certain capacity for independent thought, as it's generally prerequisite to joining a path that almost nobody is born into, so I appreciate the cameraderie as we all make our own strange attempts at getting where we think we want to be.

I-am-my-own-God can sound overly grandiose a lot of the time, but I-am-my-own-Pope is always accurate for the non-poseur LH practitioner.

idgo

Re: Local Maxima
« Reply #77 on: January 14, 2020, 06:37:14 pm »
I wonder if old age might sometimes feel like that.

I had a grandfather who aged like that -- he left without unfinished business. But that's more from skill at aging -- in growth, the culmination of a project is impetus to start a larger one, but after a certain point, finishing one piece of business can be a recommendation to start a less-lengthy (though perhaps not lower-quality) one. I think youth has a certain urgency of "I must do this because no-one else can", but when you're ninety-something and surrounded by aging children and adult grandchildren and little great-grandchildren, each generation of which has an individual or two who show that your own special aptitudes have been passed along, I think the fear that comes with being the only one who could might have been whittled away to nothing by the decades of counter-examples.

Quote
I-am-my-own-God can sound overly grandiose a lot of the time, but I-am-my-own-Pope is always accurate for the non-poseur LH practitioner.

"Every man, woman, and child is a pope".

I think I might prefer the times when "child" was its own gender.

idgo

Re: idgo forgot its grimoire at home and is using this instead
« Reply #78 on: January 14, 2020, 06:43:03 pm »
Back to journal things, though: I think I've figured out how to draw the sort of growth/learning thing as I imagine it.

As with any search/exploration, it tends to revisit approximate regions it's been to before, but upon each visit it hits parts of those spaces from a direction that wouldn't have been feasible without leaving them. In this image, the thing I was trying to describe yesterday is akin to noticing the color changing.

Also, I wonder if there's a better convention for inter-journal conversations than reply within the same thread. I wonder whether taking the whole quote block from the journal entry to be replied to, and pasting it into one's own journal, and writing the thoughts or reply there, would yield a more or less readable and useful thread both among ourselves and for future readers.

idgo

Re: idgo forgot its grimoire at home and is using this instead
« Reply #79 on: January 23, 2020, 12:39:44 am »
I had a dream recently in which someone had tried to fashion a bow from 3 sticks attached together with rubber bands. One curved stick for the bow proper, 2 straight sticks fastened in the middle pretending to be the string. They were wondering why it wouldn't shoot as well as the bows that looked just like it that they'd seen in movies and cartoons... I think it's a take on the "solid bow, stretchy bowstring" trope.

I think there's something useful underneath that trope, around here somewhere. Something about how certain communications about a topic can accidentally omit facts that would be essential for a beginner to reconstruct the topic from first principles, because those facts seemed just too obvious to be worth mentioning. Or perhaps how things that look like sources of power, like bowstrings, are sometimes just conduits of force from elsewhere.

idgo

Re: idgo forgot its grimoire at home and is using this instead
« Reply #80 on: February 11, 2020, 12:41:12 am »
As ponderously yet inevitably as a freighter reversing into its dock, my views on the ways in which ancient belief systems had things more completely figured out than modern ones are refining. I view many other ancient skills as usefully informing a complete understanding of their modern successors, so in a way it's surprising that it's taken me this long to gain a similar appreciation for the spiritual precursors to modern beliefs. The delay, I suspect, may stem from the way that I was right all along about how old beliefs do not translate directly into modern truth. They complement, like the mold and the tool cast in it.

In one way, the old beliefs are wrong. They don't map right, onto a world where so many of the phenomena that they classed indiscriminately as magics are understood and explained.

In another, though, they're the foodstuff that modern belief was raised upon, the source of every molecule that the current currents have digested into their structures. Just as studying the carcasses of those dead languages from which our live language scavenged sheds light on how she got these stains on her claws, so too the widths of the old gods' oxen's asses formed the ruts that formed the roads that formed the rails that dictated the dimensions of the spiritual space shuttle.

I went looking for a closet to neatly organize my knowledge in, and they seem to have delivered the wardrobe with Narnia in the back.

Or maybe I just finally discovered the one flavor of this intellectual snack that's made without my mind's allergens in it, and I'm suddenly so surprised to discover why nobody else thought any of them tasted like sudsy dishwater.

I'm back out of the region that preserves any fidelity when reported to my future self in straight turns of phrase, but that's alright by me. It's interesting to see myself spinning similar sayings to those etheogenically enhanced excursions before, but entirely unaltered by external assisstances. I guess I wandered out and set a couple beacons for where to head, before, and I've been following them since, despite or perhaps because of hanging up the metaphorical phone for the time being. I was gong into things without clear questions for awhile there, and so they stopped offering me good answers, and it's the experience of getting the good answers that I was after all along so there stopped being any point in asking at all.

I have an account that hangs out in the corners of the internet that have recently been in a bit of an aphantasia loop. https:// www.youtube .com/watch?v=ewsGmhAjjjI, and in particular its reference https://photographyinsider.info/image-streaming-for-photographers/, for your breadcrumbs. And it was in that video that I realized: My brain seems to lazy-evaluate imagery: I ask it for an apple, and there is no platonic ideal of an apple before my eyes. There's the usual visual input. There's a generic apple "inside" my head, "behind" my eyes, but it's not yet juxtaposed onto the foreground. I ask it for an apple in a change of lighting, or in a bowl, and it yanks the most recent apple I've contemplated. (that's a lovely wonky one from the backdrop of the kitchen in Midsommar, courtesy of https:// www.youtube. com/watch?v=_8iL5wueXDs) I ask it for that apple in the dark, and the easiest thing to do is to shut the windows of the ancient building that the apple's table was in, though I fill with the most recent ancient building I've spent time in because I didn't pay that much attention to the most-recent apple's actual set.

Almost every visual image I summon to vividity, I can trace to a memory that gave me some part of its form. I choose to continue to class this as "really imagining", since I do ultimately persuade the form to appear... but I don't categorize the imagined forms as being by any means new, since they're so easily attributable to their original sources. Gets me wondering whether people who involuntarily imagine visuals actually... like it? like, with a little work I can convene a flowy sort of state where my brain spins and storytells on its own, but the default of everyday consciousness is to invest in what "I" tell it to and not in what I don't. Seems like involuntary visuals might have quite the commonalities to intrusive thoughts, which incidentally those same areas have lately been all aflutter about.

And yet, what's "inspiration" but an intrusive thought with an invitation?

Edit: yikes, the forum expands youtube links to embeds in a way that I do not enjoy.

idgo

Re: idgo forgot its grimoire at home and is using this instead
« Reply #81 on: March 19, 2020, 05:30:49 pm »
It's the end times. Old practices are collapsing into themselves more and more rapidly, leaving a temporary vacuum.

I'm reminded of a quote that starts a song: "We practice selective annihilation of mayors and government officials, for example, to create a vacuum, then we fill that vacuum. As popular war advances, peace is closer."

The easiest thing for the vacuum to do is to be filled, so eventually no matter how hard we've been trying to hold the door open to leave room for an old thing that isn't coming back, something else will come in or the door will shut in favor of one where something's ready to approach. And those of us who can step "outside" have a good bit of say in which alternative visitors we're inviting.

From my roots in chaos practice, I gotta say: The amount of pure raw unstructured POTENTIAL that's coalescing around the next few years is absolutely amazing. For individuals going into this with power, it's a glorious chance to sculpt the world into any chosen form. Sure, you've gotta pick a form with enough handholds around the edges for the populace to grab onto it and push, but the parts around your *self* get to be absolutely custom and nobody gives a damn.

Lots of conversations about the cores of thoughts instead of just their surfaces, with old friends and new, lately. There's space and time to ask bigger and more philosophical questions of folks, to ask the understanding-accelerators. There's the opportunity and shared interest to get brains closer together in the ways we usually do with bodies, those old ways leaving the brains so far apart.

It closes a loop on a lot of planning and preparation that I've done for a generic "what if something bad happens?". And tells me a lot of what I could get away without if something else bad happened in the future. It's time to kick lifestyle change plans into motion that I've been looking for an excuse for.

idgo

Re: idgo forgot its grimoire at home and is using this instead
« Reply #82 on: March 24, 2020, 03:12:31 am »
On the one hand, I am physically entirely prepared. And I thought that I was mentally well prepared -- for projections in which circumstances were outside my control, I had run a lot of simulations and figured out the best ways to handle it.

However, I underestimated the importance of preparing friendships. Specifically, the meat suit is wired to get attached to the folks one invests time and energy in, and to react as if its own wellbeing is threatened when the other humans are threatened. My techniques for disabling this feature work great when there's nothing I can/should do about it, and great when there are things I obviously can/should do and thus do to intervene, but I'm discovering edge cases to which neither of those obvious extremes applies.

The trickiest such case so far is that of a valued friend relapsing into a substance abuse problem, presumably related to current isolation precautions. Philosophically, adults are adults and everyone has the right to choose to hasten their own death. But emotionally and morally? Damn complicated to try to figure out to which respecting individual liberty supersedes obligation or preference to assist.

---

Time passed, went for a drive, interacted with those institutions and establishments which are still safe and legal to interact with.

Realized: part of the problem is my prior attempts to suppress how damn good it feels, in certain ways, to be in such close proximity to death.

Because no matter what way you try to slice it, there are still ways in which nobody wins when everybody does. Maybe it's from meat suit wiring, but there's an undeniable force within that wishes everything were zero-sum. Because in that game, the win condition is continued existence. The realization that one *is*, in circumstances where just *being* ought to be impossible, is indistinguishable from its own neurochemical reward.

---

It's gone from a list of firsts and bests, to a list of lasts. So I watch it burn, knowing that I will choose which seeds to plant to someday flourish in the fertile ashes.