Author Topic: Deidre's Journal  (Read 2516 times)

Deidre

Re: Deidre's Journal
« Reply #30 on: April 13, 2018, 12:08:09 am »
Dear grandma;

It goes without saying, that ever since you left, my life hasn't been the same. I have a good life, though. You'd be very happy for me. I married an amazing man last year, you knew him. You met him. He was a good friend of mine, and he would come to your house to fix things when I was between boyfriends. You always made him a nice meal.

You have been gone for just over three years, but there are days, when it feels like you just died, yesterday. The sting of it all comes back, and I cry uncontrollably all over again. Out of nowhere, I'll hear a song that reminds me of you, or smell a familiar scent that takes me back to your delicious cooking.

But, what I miss the most, is your love. Your patience. My parents love me, I know. But, your love was different. It was unassuming, unconditional. You really understood me, and told me when I was wrong. I'd listen to your advice, and while sometimes it wasn't always easy to hear, I still ended up following it. You guided me, and I could literally run to your house, and cry over any topic at all, and somehow...in your own special way...you would comfort me. The weight of the world would fall away, and it felt like it was just you and me in all of the universe, holding hands.

I have some really amazing friends, who support me, and a genuinely loving husband, who is completely there for me. But, he isn't you. No one will ever be you. And I guess that's fine. I can't have those types of expectations of people, you were one of a kind. Just like they are one of a kind. But, grandma....I miss you.

I miss your wisdom.
I miss your hugs.
I miss the way you would help me to move obstacles out of my way, so I could be brave.
I miss your insights, courage, and faith.

You had faith in me, and you expected me to have faith in me. To believe in myself. To stop being guarded and afraid. Well, I'll have you know, I'm so much less guarded and fearful than I used to be. I never thought I could move on past your death, but I have. Life is still a little less bright though, without you in it. I wonder if I'll ever see you again. If somewhere out in the great cosmic abyss, if you'll call my name, and I'll hear you.

If I'll call your name, and you'll hear me?

Someday, I'll find out. I miss you, and all that you were. And all that I never knew, and will never know.


After thought - no religion, no belief system, no one or no thing can help us process loss. Grief. It all sucks. I have good days and bad, from the loss of my grandmother. Grief steamrolls over it all. It takes all. It consumes all. It leaves nothing left, and then one day, you feel better. But, the grief will come back. So no matter what any of us here believe, we are helpless against loss, against grief. Sorry, it's a bad day today. And my grandmother (my dad's mom) always knew what to say to make the rain stop.
"Don't look for riches, look for rich experiences." - Lucian Black

Deidre

Re: Deidre's Journal
« Reply #31 on: April 17, 2018, 12:44:30 am »
The Rain

Sitting here still, watching the rain. There's something about a rainstorm that's calming and comforting. As the water hits the pavement and slickers the grass, it feels like it's instructing me to stay still. There's no rush, I don't need to leave the house. It's okay to do nothing for a moment, or two. The stillness and quiet feels good. I can't hear any cars whizzing by or airplanes in the sky, just the hammering of water droplets falling on my windows and rooftop. I like the sound of rain, and how it drowns out life. Quiets everything and everyone around you, even birds take cover, and you can barely hear their faint chirping in the distance.

The rain stopped a few minutes ago, which means I need to move, get busy, do things. Be productive. But, for those 30 minutes, the rain let me slow down, and think about everything and nothing, all at once. Until, I only thought of it. How powerful the sky is, and how I'll never really understand clouds.

I hear birds chirping again, and the whirring of airplane engines overhead. Looking outside, the sun is trying to peek through the silver ribbons of clouds, and the cycle of nature begins anew. After rain, comes the sun...and perhaps, a blurry rainbow. In about an hour, the sidewalks will be dry, and it will seem like all of what I'm telling you, never happened at all. But, it did. That's the tricky part about rain. It leaves you with a good story, but maybe only one that you believe.


(I wrote this yesterday during a rainstorm)
"Don't look for riches, look for rich experiences." - Lucian Black

Deidre

Re: Deidre's Journal
« Reply #32 on: April 18, 2018, 02:28:40 am »
I vacillate between my love for God, a personal God, and wanting to follow the LHP. I'm convinced that the RHP and LHP can live in harmony, but am I only fooling myself? I find my relationship with God to be fulfilling, but then there are times when I don't know what to do. How to deal with stress, or how to make sense of conflict. I looked into the LHP last year, and there is a part of me that fears it. But, I shouldn't. I shouldn't fear change, change is good. New discoveries are good.

Then, why am I afraid?
"Don't look for riches, look for rich experiences." - Lucian Black

Deidre

Re: Deidre's Journal
« Reply #33 on: April 26, 2018, 03:25:22 am »
Dear journal;

I'm coming to terms with there can be harmony between my desire to explore the LHP and my RHP beliefs. I actually don't even know if it's a desire to explore at this point, as much as it is that the LHP and RHP both dwell within me. I believe that we are a combination of dark and light, and finding our way through the darkness, can harmonize with the RHP path. Thanks to Kapalika for explaining this to me. :)
"Don't look for riches, look for rich experiences." - Lucian Black

Deidre

Re: Deidre's Journal
« Reply #34 on: June 10, 2018, 02:41:51 am »
Labels

I’ve been many things...

Baby
Toddler
Child
Daughter
Sister
Employee
Prude
Wife
Easy
Sexy
Difficult
Charming
Passionate
Late
Arrogant
Modest
Flip
Shy
Forward
Sexual
Introverted
Friend
Ex gf
Christian
Atheist
Curious
Zen
Scared
Free
Fit
Strong
Weak
Silly

And so much more...

More than just labels.
"Don't look for riches, look for rich experiences." - Lucian Black

Deidre

Re: Deidre's Journal
« Reply #35 on: June 12, 2018, 04:17:54 am »
You know, the internet is a scary place but I feel safe on this site. I’ve always felt like you guys have my back and care. I want to be here more for you <3
"Don't look for riches, look for rich experiences." - Lucian Black

pi_rameses

Re: Deidre's Journal
« Reply #36 on: June 12, 2018, 05:45:09 pm »
When you think of the Order and its members, likewise we think of you. As it is with Set upon high, so below.  :)
"Some say Kos, others Kosm.
As you did for the vacuous Rom,
grant us eyes.
Grant us eyes."

-Micolash, Host of the Nightmare

Deidre

Re: Deidre's Journal
« Reply #37 on: June 13, 2018, 02:39:32 am »
When you think of the Order and its members, likewise we think of you. As it is with Set upon high, so below.  :)

<3
"Don't look for riches, look for rich experiences." - Lucian Black

Deidre

Re: Deidre's Journal
« Reply #38 on: June 13, 2018, 11:46:07 pm »
From a secular view point, what is refreshing about this site, is that every other thread isn't everyone echoing one another, stroking each other's egos, or ''hey look at meeeeee!''

 It's just different, and we need more different in the world.
"Don't look for riches, look for rich experiences." - Lucian Black

Deidre

Re: Deidre's Journal
« Reply #39 on: November 24, 2018, 03:21:12 am »
I can't believe it's been 120 days since I've posted in this journal, what? (this is according to the red warning message that is set as a default on here)  :D

So much has been going on. Where to begin. First, most of you know, I left my job during the summer, the job that plagued me with stress and turmoil. So happy to be rid of that dysfunctional environment, but I thank God for the lessons learned there, and the experience I had gained. Every experience offers lessons, if we pay attention.


My new job has had its ups and downs. I work from home, which is an awesome positive, but it's a pretty intense job. Great promotion of sorts, and they are listening to my ideas. Something I never had at my last job, because management was too old school. I'm grateful to have this job now, and hope that I can be successful here.

My faith is going strong. I'd call myself now a spiritual  Christian, where I believe in much of the Bible teachings after reading through it again, but I don't really follow any one particular denomination or ''religion,'' per se. I feel grounded, finally after a few years of my faith journey.

I still read about the LHP, and believe it holds some positives to learn from, and I also read about spells, still. I don't think spells work too well with my faith beliefs anymore, but incantations do.

My relationship with my husband is very strong, I also would like to add. I used to date a lot, before him. Never quite feeling like relationships were for me, but then, so far so good.

I'm glad to see this site is growing, and I need to stop disappearing on here. Life gets in the way sometimes.  :rolleyes:
"Don't look for riches, look for rich experiences." - Lucian Black

Onyx

Re: Deidre's Journal
« Reply #40 on: November 24, 2018, 12:48:33 pm »
Life is indeed an uphill challenge. We look back at accomplishments and overcomings, and upward towards future possibilities.

Sounds like things are going well for you, thanks for the update.